


Candlelight

by Obsessedwithfanfiction



Series: Candlelit Tales [1]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: ALL ABOARD THE ANGST TRAIN, AU, Angst, Bulletpointed fic, Chapter two is not bulletpointed, I WANTED Y'ALL TO SUFFER WITH ME, M/M, Very small mention of Andrew's self-harm scars, What is going on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-24
Updated: 2017-08-25
Packaged: 2018-12-19 12:02:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11897352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Obsessedwithfanfiction/pseuds/Obsessedwithfanfiction
Summary: An AU drabble in which Neil was dying all along. Bulletpointed HC of the whole series with this twist





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Heck. Sorry. Also on my Tumblr (link in profile) if that's easier to read

• Guys I thought of something angsty  
• So you’re all gonna have to share the pain with me  
• So what if Neil had some kind of terminal illness; found out about it too late for it to be anything but terminal from never going to the hospital when with his mother (this is like pre-Milport but post Mary’s death)  
• This is some kind of terminal illness that doesn’t actually effect him physically that much yet (let me have this; Andrew got magic meds so)  
• Neil has to break out of the hospital with his drugs after his diagnosis (who knows why he was there to start with) and runs, ending up in Milport  
• He only plans to stay a night but then he’s like ‘fuck it I’m gonna die anyway’  
• And joins the Exy team  
• Events continue as canon until Kev, Wymack and Andrew come to meet him  
• Neil doesn’t run from Kev this time, which is lucky because if Andrew had hit him with the racquet he might have broken one of Neil’s weakening bones  
• Instead he straight up is like ‘huh you don’t remember me’ because he’s already a dead man walking and he doesn’t care so much about the truths spilling out of his mouth like rips in his duffel bag  
• ‘what are you talking about’  
• 'Nathaniel at your service’ (probably complete with a little bow, snarky bastard) oh and Kev remembers that name even if he doesn’t remember Neil’s face. Neil’s not surprised  
• Kev tries to persuade Wymack and Andrew to just leave, freaking out, while Hernandez is like 'I didn’t know your full name was Nathaniel???’  
• 'I prefer Neil’  
• Andrew is curious. Kevin seems scared but Andrew’s pretty sure it’s for “Nathaniel” not because of him  
• Still, Andrew’s never had the luxury of accepting only being “pretty” sure  
• Course Wymack still persuades Neil to come to Palmetto, especially when Neil explains he knows Kev coz he played at the Nest when he was little until his parents split and he left with his mum  
• It’s basically the truth  
• When he arrives at Palmetto Kevin is Shook  
• 'What the Hell are you doing your father is still looking for you-’ in angry French ofc  
• 'I know. I reckon I’ve got a good year or two before he gets out on parole and turns up to kill me’  
• Kevin thinks he’s absolutely insane, but then he doesn’t know that Neil’s going to die long before his father turns up so it’s a fair assumption  
• Neil dissolves his declining amount of meds in his water bottles and that is all he drinks which makes it rather difficult for Andrew to drug him (good thing too, who knows whether dust would’ve reacted with his meds)  
• Neil eventually clocks on at the sixth drink Andrew tries to offer him, and says Andrew can have the truth without the drugs thanks  
• Andrew doesn’t care about being called out but if Neil starts yelling about it someone might be good enough to call the police and then he’ll be fucked  
• He agrees, and Neil offers him the same truths he does in canon basically  
• Andrew offers to protect Neil in return for him keeping Kevin here. Neil doesn’t need Andrew’s protection, but just in case his father gets out on early parole or something, he accepts the deal, knowing Andrew won’t let him help with Kevin if he thinks Neil is doing it for free  
• He knows him so well already  
• Continue as canon except it’s his medical bills Riko throws in his face instead of his names at the banquet.  
• I mean Riko probs got so excited when he dug and found this out that he didn't trace 'Neil' back any further so at least that's a bonus  
• They're not explicit enough for anyone else to get it but Neil is panicked  
• He’s pretty sure he wouldn’t be allowed to play if they knew he was dying and Exy is the only thing he wants to live for (oh honey child you have no idea what’s going to hit you)  
• Again, continue as canon  
• Drake happens  
• Neil sees Andrew’s scars and wishes he had a choice about dying  
• Easthaven, and Neil goes to Evermore, and it’s only two weeks but it’s two weeks without his meds and Neil is ridiculously weak  
• He explains it away by trauma making your immune system weak but Abby takes one look at him and knows it’s bullshit  
• She diagnoses him correctly and is like Neil what the fuck  
• Neil explains to her that he was terminal long before the Foxes, and he just wants to play Exy as long as he can  
• Abby is heartbroken  
• She has to tell David because they have to decide whether it’s safe for him to keep playing, but at Neil’s request she doesn’t tell him that Neil’s terminal  
• She replenishes his meds from the hospital but you can’t just go off them without consequences and Neil’s lost a lot more than two weeks off his lifespan  
• Abby thinks, if he stays on the meds, he’ll make it till the end of the year, but probably not past the summer and no one knows how much of that he’ll be able to play for  
• Somewhere before Andrew comes back from Easthaven, Riko gets word to Kev about Neil’s condition  
• Predictably, Kev freaks out, talking about how it’s hopeless and he might as well just go back to the Nest  
• This is where Neil and him have the conversation about Kevin being afraid to take his future 'you have a future, why won’t you just take it’  
• Kev is suitably ashamed  
• He also thinks Neil should tell Andrew. Neil, being oblivious, doesn’t know why  
• Continue as canon  
• Wymack asks Neil to be the vice-cap next year. He doesn’t know how cruel he’s being but Neil can’t breathe  
• That is all he wants, everything he can’t have  
• He calls Andrew, and that time on the roof Andrew kisses him but this time Neil actually fully means his yes, not having a mental breakdown, because knowing you’re going to be killed vs actively dying does wonders for Neil’s introspection  
• For the money for the car, Neil asks Andrew to stop smoking instead of getting rid of the cracker dust. Andrew refuses, but Neil just asks him to have less cigarettes then (I am not saying Andrew starts vaping because he does not because Andrew is actually cool but he does agree to cut his cigarette intake down to just the one a day he shares with Neil on the roof)  
• Kev is more protective of Neil, desperate that no accident is going to take Neil before his illness  
• Andrew notices, coz he’s not an idiot, but he doesn’t know how to ask about it. For all he knows it’s just companionship from both now knowing what being in the nest is like  
• Besides, it’s like every day that Neil grows weaker, Kevin grows stronger and more confident, so Neil’s holding up his end of the deal  
• As Neil starts getting the countdown, he also starts coughing up blood, which he thinks is very poetic  
• Abby tells Neil the game on the day he will get a 0 in his countdown is going to have to be his last  
• Neil realises Andrew’s going to think he didn’t protect him properly even if Neil dies of his illness not his father  
• Neil persuades Andrew to break their deal the night Kevin comes home with a new tattoo, the proof that Kev doesn’t need him anymore  
• Quietly, in French, Neil thanks Kev for doing this before he dies. He knows the Foxes are going to be OK now  
• Kevin is already drunk and Neil’s words tip him over into full misery  
• 'what did you say to him? Could be useful to shut him up’ Asks Andrew  
• Neil flinches and Andrew is Concerned  
• 'Neil I’m taking a turn.’  
• Neil looks at his hands and he doesn’t want to answer but he’s not about to start lying to his greatest regret, his best mistake  
• 'I told him thank you. For proving that he doesn’t need me anymore. For doing this now.’  
• 'You were desperate to break our deal. Why?’  
• 'It’s not your turn.’ Neil says eventually, and thinks that tomorrow, after the game, he’ll tell Andrew why, and he’ll tell him that he’s leaving. He doesn’t want to drag the Foxes through his death when they’ll have already lost the season. He’ll just leave, and only Andrew, Kevin and Abby will know he’s never coming back  
• The game happens, and Neil and Kevin are crazed on the court, Neil the most, knowing this is his last of the game that had always meant more to him than surviving. He plays with every inch of his being, even though they don’t need a massive points difference because, they don’t know it yet, but they’ve already lost the season. He plays for the game that brought him to the people that taught him what it was to live, to feel alive, to have friends and a family  
• To have Andrew, kisses and trust and keys and honesty  
• The call comes when he’s in the locker-room and Neil just wants just another ten minutes, please, just ten minutes to say goodbye  
• He thought he’d get to say goodbye  
• The riot and Lola and the dashboard lighter, a cleaver, his father’s smile, 'I didn’t want time to take you out peacefully after all the trouble you caused me’, gunshots and coughing up so much blood Stuart thought he’d been caught in the crossfire, weak weak weak but clinging on, clinging on to say goodbye  
• He can’t get out of bed but he makes Browning bring the Foxes to him because Browning knows he’s on borrowed time and if he wastes it with useless posturing, Nathaniel might not get the chance to testify against his father  
• Andrew’s first in through the door, a livid bruise on his face that matches the look in his eye  
• 'Terminally ill?’ Are his only words and Neil is confused even as the other Foxes trail in, trying to understand what the problem is  
• 'You hate me, remember? I’m nothing. I didn’t think you’d care’  
• Andrew wants to kill him, Andrew wants to tear him apart. He is losing everything, nevermind nothing. Neil is the one candlelight in his dark corner, and it turns out the candle has been running out of wax all along  
• Kevin has a bruised throat and grief stricken eyes but he’s been hardened to this outcome since January. Something Andrew will never forgive him for  
• Abby and Wymack fought on the bus journey over, Wymack sick to his stomach as he thinks of the look in Neil’s eyes when he’d offered him the vice-captaincy  
• In the end, it was Neil’s choice not to tell them  
• The Moriyamas can’t kill Neil now, so Neil tells the Foxes and the FBI his full story, his voice becoming quieter and wracked with coughs the longer he talks  
• He signs a few documents for the FBI and even Browning isn’t enough of a dick to ask him further questions in the time he has left  
• Neil asks Browning for something quietly, out of earshot of the Foxes, and Browning agrees, and leaves the room  
• The Foxes crowd around his bed. Nicky is already sobbing, but it’s quiet in a way Nicky never is. He latches onto one of Neil’s hands and refuses to let go  
• Matt has silent, less frequent tears falling softly into Dan’s hair where she’s tucked against his side, standing vigil at the end of Neil’s bed  
• She’s the one to ask how long he’s got, but it’s Abby that answers because Neil’s saving the last of his energy for more important words  
• 'A couple of hours maybe. They offered to overdose him to save him the pain, but Neil wanted to say goodbye’  
• He smiles tiredly at them when these words get a heartbroken response  
• 'You got with Andrew knowing you were going to die what kind of sick bastard does that?!’ Aaron finally bursts out, and it takes a lot of effort for Neil to loll his head to look at him  
• Andrew, who’s been stood at the back of the room, leaning against a wall but not taking his eyes off Neil, stiffens as the others exclaim at this new information  
• 'This was nothing.’ Andrew says, coldly. 'I made it nothing.’ (ouch christ Andrew)  
• 'I was supposed to have a couple of years.’ Neil explains. 'But with the Nest and now this,’ And God if that isn’t the last thing Andrew wants to hear, that Neil didn’t only get hurt for him, but willingly took years off his lifespan on a fool’s mission that didn’t change anything-  
• Andrew leaves the room.  
• 'Tell him about Katelyn’ is Neil’s parting advice as Aaron follows  
• 'I’d say I’d make a fashion line in your honour Josten but the irony would be too much’ Allison says  
• She’s the last person to make Neil Josten laugh. One of the first too  
• 'Look after them?’ Neil asks of Renee, and her face is pained as she nods. Neil raises his free hand to touch hers with visible effort as she stands to leave with Allison. 'Look after yourself too.’  
• 'It has been an honour to be part of your family.’ She says in return, knowing he won’t want her prayers or acknowledgement of the afterlife, but that he’ll get the former anyway.  
• She leaves because she doesn’t think she can stand to watch another death yet, at least not one she hasn’t inflicted. Besides, she has a feeling she needs to convince a certain blond to return  
• 'I’m expecting the Exy team to be fucking good by the time I get up there.’ Dan says, finally, and Wymack nods his agreement gruffly.  
• 'Take them to the championships.’ Neil replies.  
• Abby breaks at this point. She starts apologising to Neil, telling him she should have taken him off the court earlier, given him more time, worked out his illness earlier  
• Neil waves her off. 'Taking me off the court would’ve killed me faster’ and if that’s not dramatic Josten he doesn’t know what is  
• It’s at this point that Browning comes back  
• He has the papers all prepared for Nathaniel Wesninski to legally change his name  
• They look at him questioningly but Neil can’t summon the strength to explain as he scrawl his name across the paper painstakingly slowly  
• 'He said he wanted to die as Neil Josten. And he’s also made sure that your team has to be under FBI protection by telling you the same information as us. Sneaky bastard; he knows we have to protect witnesses.’  
• 'I don’t want you to go.’ Matt bursts out, honestly and brokenly, incapable of putting on a brave face because God fucking damn it 'It isn’t fair! You’re my best friend I can’t-’ he chokes off and Neil grins, all teeth, returning the sentiment even as he begins to feel death creep into the room  
• 'Tell him.’ Neil breathes out in French, eyes flickering to Wymack. Kevin pales but nods stoically. Crossing his arms and taking the same posture as Wymack, it’s clear to see they’re related  
• 'Next year, the pro league award for the best striker will be called the Josten Cup.’ Kevin replies in the same language. It’s so typically a Kevin comfort that Neil almost smiles. He must have called in a lot of strings for that. 'Renee and I are working on getting Jean out of the Nest. I will make a deal with Ichirou. I’m the better striker.’ He asserts, and then shudders. 'But I can only hope to half the man you are.’ He cuts himself off, frowns at the floor, and speaks again. It takes everyone a second to realise it’s because Kevin needed to compose himself. 'You would’ve been Court.’  
• Andrew bursts in before anyone can respond to that, and the relief that floods his features when he sees Neil’s eyes are still open shows how out of control Andrew still is. His eyes burn as he takes everyone in  
• 'Get out.’ No-one wants to leave, Matt and Nicky plant their shoes to the floor until Neil shoots them a look. 'I’ll call you in when we’re done.’ Andrew gets out through gritted teeth and eventually they go.  
• Andrew doesn’t come closer to the bed  
• 'You stupid fucking junkie.’ He hisses and Neil smiles lazily. Andrew stalks forward, hands shaking even as they are curled into fists  
• 'Yes or no?’ he bites out when there’s only an inch between their faces  
• 'Yes.’ Neil breathes out, because he doesn’t think Andrew will appreciate the irony of saying always. Andrew’s hands are gentle round Neil’s wrists as he guides them into Andrew’s hair in a way his lips are not  
• Neil tastes like blood and death but there’s something that’s still solidly loudmouth runaway, loudmouth _fox_ , fierce and bright and so fucking alive that Andrew almost forgets they’re on his death bed  
• 'I was going to tell you after the game.’ Neil says against his lips. Andrew doesn’t reply, but the shakes wrack his whole body now. Neil moves his fingers listlessly in Andrew’s hair because that’s all the movement he’s capable of. 'Thank you.’  
• 'For nothing?’  
• 'For nothing.’ Neil agrees  
• 'Just don’t die.’ The words burst past Andrew’s lips without his permission, his control so shot it might never have existed. 'Just don’t fucking die Neil. Just stay.’ He knows this is something he can’t ask for. Whatever you’re willing to give- Neil trusted him not to ask for anything Neil couldn’t give him- but Andrew doesn’t want anything else.  
• 'I’m staying.’ Neil promises. 'I’m staying right here’  
• The others trickle back in  
• Nicky doesn’t make it back to Neil’s bedside, his legs failing him when he sees Andrew has taken his place at Neil’s hand, he just wanted his cousin to be happy, he just wanted-  
• Matt and Dan clasp Neil’s free hand between them as he’s propped up on his pillows by a sobbing Abby and a humbled Kevin  
• Wymack places a fatherly hand on his shoulder, and squeezes lightly  
• Neil takes them all in. His Foxes, his family  
• His gaze rests on Andrew last  
• 'Staring.’ Andrew whispers  
• Neil smiles and dies, the sunrise lighting his hair like fire


	2. The One In Which Neil Josten Is Created

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so everyone's comments and Kudos have been so unbelievably lovely and this scene's been rolling around in my head since I first thought of this AU so here is a quick look at the first scene in which 'Chris' finds out he has a terminal illness (which I totally made up definitely not a real illness don't worry).

Neil Josten was going to be much more intelligent than Chris. Neil Josten wouldn’t be stupid enough to walk right into town hot on the heels of burning his mot- A car on a beach, blood covering his shirt. Neil Josten was going to be vicious enough that it would not seem strange at all for him to fight a sweet kindly nurse instead of letting her drag him to the nearest hospital.

_Don’t slow down, don’t look back, don’t trust anyone._

Neil Josten as a persona had just about solidified in Chris’ mind by the time he’d managed to jimmy the window open, but unfortunately he had to let Chris swallow him again as the sounds of footsteps hurried down the corridor to his room. He managed to make it back into the bed with only a small wince (Badly bruised ribs? Maybe a fracture?) and look for all the world like he hadn’t left it when the nurse came in. For some reason, the slight rash that had run over the back of his neck for the past few days had caused the doctors to insist he had several blood tests before they did anything about the rest of his injuries. The most his nurse would allow him to take was paracetamol, not that Chris was complaining; paracetamol was better than he was expecting.

“Chris Brooks?” The nurse asked when she came in. Chris nodded, smiling kindly at her the way Chris was prone to do. His sandy blonde hair, light tan and bright green eyes spoke of a polite, sunny personality, one Chris was itching to shed. “Look, we don’t usually do this but based on the state you came in here, I’m guessing your parental situation isn’t brilliant.” Chris’ smile freezes solid on his face. “As you’re a minor I’m not supposed to give out this information without your legal guardian present but I think you deserve to know. I also brought your prescription with me,” The nurse indicates the five large bottles of pills she’d wheeled in on a tray, “in case you need to hide those before you go back home.”

“What do I need a prescription for?” Chris asks, horror settling like a familiar stone in his stomach at the pitying glances he’s receiving.

“That rash on your neck. It’s one of a few very minor symptoms of a much more serious illness. You have _Osteoparenosis_ , which is a very rare illness that affects your epidermis, that is skin, and your bone strength. Your condition has been allowed to go unchecked for years, and I’m sorry to tell you that at this point your condition is terminal. The pills will keep you going for longer, but even on them we estimate you have about three or four years left.”

At the word ‘terminal’ Chris feels some part of himself detach and die in the open air, leaving only despair in its wake. The nurse continues speaking through some dos and don’ts but all Chris can see is his mother, yesterday, dying in the passenger seat of a car just so that Chris might survive. Mary should have run and gone without him, one of them should have made it. A second later Chris feels rage curl his hands into fists, cutting through the numbness. It wasn’t fair! All that paranoia, all that cautiousness and careful planning, and he might as well have never left his father.

The nurse eventually leaves him to soak in the information, and Chris is shoving the pill bottles into his duffel bag and jumping out of the window before she’s even left the corridor. He lands thankfully only a story down on the sidewalk, and then he’s running into the night towards his next life, towards Neil Josten without a look back.

As Chris Brooks is shed like old clothes between railway stations and hair dye, Nathaniel Wesninski shines through briefly before being smothered by Neil Josten, all the way to Milport, Arizona.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if I'm going to write any more scenes yet, but this was purely inspired by how lovely everyone's comments have been. I wanted to give you guys something for being so brilliant. Hope you liked it!

**Author's Note:**

> I might write a couple of scenes from this in full one day maybe. Who knows.


End file.
